Jocasta Revisited
by D. M. Evans
Summary: Minus her memories and feeling alone, Cordelia seeks solace in a younger man
1. Memories

Jocasta Revisited By D. M. Evans Feedback - ripewickedplum2@yahoo.com Rating - R Pairing - Cordy/Connor Spoilers - Up to Slouching Toward Bethlehem Summery - Cordelia, feeling lost and alone, finds solace in a younger man  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
  
Cordelia sank into the tub. The smell of vanilla filled the air as flames danced lightly on the huge pillar candle she had found at the corner bodega. She had a cup of hot chocolate and a Cosmo to read. She didn't know anything about her life, her name, her face in a yearbook, none of it really meant anything. It would someday, she was sure of it though. Just as sure as she was that awful liar, Angel, wouldn't be a part of that recovered life. She didn't believe a word he said about their shared past, their so-called friendship. He wasn't in her life, in her memories, in her heart, no matter what claims he and his friends made. She didn't know how she knew that. Maybe it was like how she just knew she loved chocolate, vanilla candles and Cosmo.  
  
When the tub grew cold, Cordelia slogged out reluctantly. She dressed and ventured into the curtained-off portion of the warehouse loft she was using as her bedroom. She wondered if her housemate was around. She wanted to see Connor and yet she didn't. She wasn't sure of anything in regards to that young man. He was so odd and intense. His almost feminine features were somehow compelling and even thought she knew he was younger than she was, she had to admit to an attraction to him.  
  
Was that wrong? Maybe it should be, given their age differences but she really wasn't that much older than him. And at least he didn't lie to her. She couldn't stand being lied to. Had someone lied to her badly in the past, someone other than Angel? Of course she couldn't remember. Had she ever loved anyone? Did she even like men? Yes, she felt sure she did. She didn't know who she was but she somehow knew she was the type who didn't hesitate when she saw something she wanted. She went for it.  
  
Hearing grunting, Cordelia went to investigate. She didn't really want to. What would it be this time? Angel? His blood-soaked friends? Some green demon with bad fashion-sense? Someone else out to kill her? All her warning bells were going off. It couldn't be smart to investigate strange sounds alone and weaponless but she did anyhow. She left her 'room' and went into the main section of the warehouse loft. She rather hated it with all the dead eyes staring off the wall at her. She didn't know what she hated more, the killing of animals for decoration or just how tacky it looked.  
  
The grunting was coming from her housemate. Connor, stripped to the waist, was fighting the air, sweat running down his skinny torso. She watched him going through his kata. Something primal in her knew movement. She knew it was one of her skills and it seemed to be one of Connor's as well. It surprised her. Despite knowing he was a warrior, she wasn't convinced entirely of his skill. Yes he had killed that demon and saved her but he looked like he could blow away in a soft summer breeze let alone stand up to the gale of a battle. He moved well alone but could he do it in a fight consistently? Had he just gotten lucky last time? How did she even know about fighting? She had been a cheerleader, according to Angel. She wasn't buying in to her being a demon fighter. Angel, Gunn and Fred swore she had been but they had proven untrustworthy.  
  
Connor whirled in a spin kick at nothing and nearly stumbled, seeing her. She smiled.  
  
"You're good at that," she said.  
  
He flipped his shapeless brown bangs out of his eyes. "I know."  
  
Coming from anyone else it would have sounded like arrogance but not from him. "Want to take a break?" she asked.  
  
He stared at her as if she had asked him to shoot the moon. "Why?"  
  
Cordy moved to the small windows and let the sun wash over her. "Because it's bright and beautiful out. After that thing with the mouth and what happened afterwards I need to be in the sun. Demons couldn't live in a day this wonderful."  
  
"That's not necessarily true," Connor said but Cordy held up a hand.  
  
"Don't tell me. Just let me believe it for a day," she pleaded. "I need something normal right now. Want to come out with me and do normal things?"  
  
He hesitated for a moment and Cordelia had to wonder what was normal for him that he looked so lost at the suggestion. "All right. Let me shower first."  
  
Cordelia waited for him to do that. She passed the time giving her clothing a critical once over. She needed a wardrobe in the worst way. Of course for that she'd need money, which she didn't have. Did she have credit cards? Possibly but they'd be back at the hotel. Which of course was also where she earned her salary if she did indeed work with Angel.  
  
Cordelia felt something wash over her, a frantic darkness that threatened to dissolve her into nothing; an anxiety so sudden and strong it filleted her open. She couldn't remember who she was. It meant she couldn't remember what she was good at, what she was trained for. How could she get a job? How was she going to survive? She wrapped her arms around herself as the fear took hold. She was lost. Something brushed her shoulder and she jumped, a startled squeal tearing from her throat.  
  
Connor backpedaled. "Sorry."  
  
"You scared the hell out of me, Connor," she snapped.  
  
The confused puppy look came back into his large eyes. "I'm sorry. It's just you looked so sad. Is there anything I can do?"  
  
"Take me out of here for awhile. I was thinking of going shopping but I've spent what little money I've had at the bodega."  
  
"I have money. I don't mind taking you shopping."  
  
She saw the stricken look on his face, the disappointment in his blue eyes; it was the look of most men faced with a shopping trip. She wasn't about to turn it down though. Still, a part of her wondered, where did he get his money? How could Angel have turned his son out? Where were the authorities? Obviously Connor was too young to be on his own and yet he managed. It made her feel less afraid of her own situation and angrier with Angel and his friends. If they could abandon a teenager to his own devices in a city like L.A., they obviously weren't worthy of her friendship. "Thank you. Let's go." 


	2. At the Beach

Author's Note- This chapter has been stripped to fit the guidelines. If you are old enough and wish to read it as it was meant to be, please find the full text version on my website at www.geekgirlz-r.us. And hey, it's a new site, so please feel free to drop over and look around. Three writers are showcased here. I'm Midnight Tangoes and Death Rattles once you get there.  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Connor watched Cordelia sitting in the sun at the beach. She said something about needing to recharge her batteries. The shopping trip had been a learning experience. Cordelia had wanted to hit all the expensive boutiques as if something in her remembered being rich. Connor assured her in the time he knew her she had been on a budget. She had bitched and moaned all through the Wal-Mart they ended up in. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad had they not gone window-shopping at the boutiques first. As it was, her constant whining was outweighing her pleasing features. Still, she walked away with a few outfits including the bikini she had on now and a swimsuit for him.  
  
Now he sat huddled on a towel on the hot sand, feeling horrifically exposed. Where he was from people didn't laze about in the sun. It was a waste of time better spent training. Besides, sitting out in the open was just begging to for something to come by and kill you.  
  
Cordelia had given him a tube of smelly lotion and told him to put it all over his skin to keep him from burning. She made some comments about him being pastier than a Brit and he wasn't sure if it was an insult or not.  
  
He had smeared a little on himself but his fingers stumbled and stopped as he watched her hands languidly spreading the lotion over her tanned flesh. Cordelia was beautiful. He didn't care what Fred had told him about Cordelia being like a mother to him during those weeks they had searched for her with Fred bleating on and on about him needing her back in his life. He had no mother. Holtz had been father, mother, tutor, and tormentor to him. It was all he had ever known or needed. By the time he had been returned to this world he had no need of mothering. He hadn't seen Cordelia or Fred as mothers, more like someone he had to please to keep them from prying into his affairs. He had been suckled on hate and power so what did he need of tender mothering. It was only an emotional crutch and another way to open someone to pain as Fred had proved that painfully with her taser and her total joy in using it. They weren't a forgiving bunch but he rather respected that.  
  
"Do my back, Connor." Cordelia passed him back the sun tan lotion.  
  
His eyes widened. "What?"  
  
"Put it on my back."  
  
She turned her back on him. Once the thought of 'what a dumb, dangerous thing to do,' flittered out of his mind, Connor realized what her request entailed. He touched her hesitantly. Her skin was warm and soft under his calloused hands.  
  
He had never been this close to a woman with this much flesh showing before. He never had any kind of intimate contact with women, not even so much as a caressing. His hands shook some as he worked the cool lotion into her. He had trouble making his hands work as his body responded to her closeness in a very apparent way.  
  
He knew this was natural but there had been little to arouse him in the demon realm he grew up in. It felt good but it was embarrassing, the way it tented up the Hawaiian print of his trunks.  
  
"Done," he said hoarsely, putting a tiny bit of distance between them.  
  
"Let me do you," she offered.  
  
"No! I need." Connor looked about frantically for a distraction and saw the people frolicking in the surf. "To take a swim."  
  
Hoping to shield his shame from her, he hustled awkwardly into the ocean. Things like this had happened to him before after pleasing dreams. Once Holtz had caught him touching himself to relieve the tension. The beating he had received for commit the sin of Onan had robbed him of any real desire to be in this situation again  
  
When he felt calmer, he headed back for his towel, sand sticking to his feet. He flopped down and looked over at Cordelia. The brilliant yellow of her suit highlighted her skin, most of which was uncovered and gleaming. He thought she was asleep until she opened her eyes and smiled.  
  
"Ready for me to put the lotion on your back?" she asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
He had wanted to say no but she would probably want to know why. He tensed at having someone behind him. He hated the exposed feeling. His skin shuddered at her touch. As his body threatened to betray him again, Connor swallowed hard and tried to find something to do to take his mind off of the wonderful feel of her hands massaging his back. He watched the people surfing and body boarding.  
  
"That looks like fun." He nodded toward the shoreline.  
  
"I guess it does. I've never done it."  
  
He glanced over his shoulder at her. "You don't know that."  
  
She laughed. "You have a point. I don't think it's me though."  
  
"Maybe not." He remembered Cordelia being a bit prissy and the ocean water with all its life and pollutants didn't seem like something she would have wanted touching her.  
  
"Okay done." She patted his shoulder.  
  
"Now what?"  
  
"You lie down and enjoy the sun," she replied brightly.  
  
"Oh." Connor couldn't keep the disappointment out of his voice. He laid down and tried to just relax. He made it maybe ten minutes before the boredom overwhelmed him.  
  
All he could think about was Cordelia's touch, the way the sun glistened on her skin, the curve of her breasts and hips. He didn't know if it was normal to obsess like this. Holtz would have discouraged him, he was sure of it. And since Gunn and Fred had cast him out and welcomed back that creature he had flung into the ocean, he was left to figure things out on his own. Why they cared so much about what he had done to a demon he couldn't say. It made no sense to him and as he had noted earlier, they were neither forgiving nor interested in hearing anyone's point of view other than their own. He had seen them jump to one conclusion after another over logic chasms so big he didn't know how they didn't just fall in and disappear. Maybe he was better off without them.  
  
Needing a distraction from what he wanted to try with Cordelia, or maybe any willing girl since it was something his body was telling him he needed and ought to try, Connor got up and wandered the beach. He found a place that rented body boards. He spent time trying to get the hand of it. Finally he saw Cordy waving at him from the shore. He rode the board in, having gained some simple mastery over it. He looked at her, a big grin on his face.  
  
She smiled back. "Having fun?"  
  
"Yes actually. Are you ready to go?" He cast a longing glance back at the water. He wanted to stay and find someone to teach him surfing.  
  
"I'm getting sort of hungry."  
  
"I think we can manage dinner. Where would you like to go?" he asked.  
  
"I wish I could remember what I like to eat.but I do know I'm sick to death of Mexican but I'm not sure why," Cordelia wrinkled her nose.  
  
Connor nodded. "I know exactly what you mean. I think we can find something different."  
  
He looked around, knowing he didn't have much money left. There were people beginning to cluster around the beachside clubs now that night was drawing closer. He saw one that seemed to be looking at them a bit too intently as he talked on his cell phone. Connor figured he was staring at Cordelia; a lot of them were. Helping her with their beach gear, he angled off toward the man, who paid them little heed as he talked softly into his phone. Connor pretended to stumble and bumped into the man. Cordelia helped him regain his balance, oblivious to the fact that he had just picked the man's pocket. Holtz had taught him similar skills, anything to learn how to unarm an enemy or take away something from them covertly if need be. Connor had used that talent to his monetary advantage since arriving back in L.A. At least now, he and Cordy could get a good meal.  
  
* * *  
  
Robert Beers enjoyed working for Wolfram and Hart as one of their leg men. They paid better than well and the work was never boring, well at least not usually. Okay, if you did your job badly you were likely to become something's dinner but it beat using his private investigator's license to stalk cheating husbands. He hadn't planned for a day at the beach after a day of shopping but he found he could nurse a drink at the Beachcombers' Pub and still see his marks well enough. Watching someone sunbathe, even someone as pretty as Ms. Chase, was dull but Lilah had made it clear that both Chase and the kid she was with were to be under constant surveillance. Finally they seemed to be packing it in for the day. He took out his cellular and placed a call.  
  
"Ms. Morgan, yeah it's Beers. Yes, I know exactly where they're both at. I've been baking my brains at the beach all day. Looks like they're on the move again.no, they've done nothing interesting or threatening at all. We shopped at the Yuppie stores, ended up at Wal-Mart and the rest of the day has been spent at the beach. The kid body boarded for a little while and Chase just lounged about working on her melanoma.okay, I'll .wait they're heading right for me. Damn it, I hope they haven't made me."  
  
Beers started talking to Lilah like he was her boyfriend laying out a fun evening. The pair walked right up to him but they didn't seem to see him as a threat. The kid tripped over his own big feet and plowed into him. Still, they just walked off, obviously not concerned about him.  
  
"All right, Ms. Morgan, they didn't seem to mark me. The kid accidentally ran into me, not apparent threat there though. I'll follow them to their next destination. I'll give Warner a call and he can take over the night shift," Beers said, digging in his wallet to lay out some money for his drink and a tip. His wallet was nowhere to be found. "Son of a bitch. the kid pickpocketed me. Yeah, you're right, I'm really going to enjoy hurting him when the time comes. I'll check in once they're settled back in."  
  
Beers disconnected the call and headed for his car, a nice non-descript white Civic, entertaining himself with ways of inflicting pain on the boy.  
  
Author's Note - The Sin of Onan Genesis 38:1-10 is actually NOT masturbation as Holtz and people of his time (and forward) believed. Actually God was angry Onan "Spilled his semen on the ground" instead of impregnating his sister-in-law, which was what God wanted. God killed Onan for that and not for masturbating. 


	3. Trouble at home

CHAPTER THREE  
  
Connor quietly entered the bedroom area of the loft. Cordelia lay asleep, the covers kicked to the bottom of the bed. Moonlight spilled in through the warehouses' uncurtained windows. Her white nightgown was bunched up around her waist. The way she lay revealed the curve of her buttocks and the cute white panties she had on with their fiery little hearts. Her nipples were just barely visible as dark shadows under the translucent cloth of her gown.  
  
His breath caught as his body responded to the sight of her, to the subtle scent of her perfume, Dolce and Gabbana. He remembered that it was expensive, having nearly broken the bottle by accident. Cordelia rationalized the expense by saying she used so little it lasted a long time and was worth it. The warm mix of roses, jasmine, oranges, sandalwood and vanilla that comprised her perfume made his blood surge. He wanted to join her now in that bed, but even he knew that was creepy and wrong. One didn't just sneak up on sleeping women. Okay it was his bed and he did have to get into it somehow. He figured not covering her body with his was the safe way to do it. But he wanted to hold her close, to pull himself into her completely.  
  
But it was more than just this moment that made him want her. He had thought about it through dinner. The pilfered wallet afforded them dinner at the Outback Steak House with plenty left over. The rare steak had been delicious. He tore into it with vigor, the way he wanted to tear into Cordelia. She had looked at him fish-eyed as he used his roll to mop up the blood on his plate but he had been taught never to waste food and told her so. She gave him the leftover bits of her chicken and they shared a chunk of cheesecake. She had flirted with him throughout dinner. He was certain of it, even though he really hadn't ever encountered the behavior before. Why else would she wear shirts open so far he could see the swell of her breasts if she weren't flirting, if she didn't want him noticing her?  
  
She had had a margarita with dinner. The huge drink - delicious he had decided having snuck a taste when she went to the ladies room - had made her giggly. He appreciated this mood of hers. They talked about things that had nothing to do with her having no memory and less to do with his father. He liked it like that. He couldn't remember now what they had talked about but their fingers had met on the table as they talked, their ankles tangled under it.  
  
But when they got home, Cordelia cooled somehow. She had read her magazine then gone to bed without him. Had he misread her intentions? He wasn't sure so he had let her go without protest. And he knew he had no business staring at her as she slept. But he couldn't deny the part of him that wanted her, wanted her to notice him, wanted her to never think of Angel again. His lips parted in a wicked smile as he imagined the look on his father's face if he ever found out that his son had stolen away his woman. That alone would make it worth it. He knew that thought was cruel and hurtful to everyone involved, himself included, but he couldn't help feeling that way.  
  
Cordelia rolled in her sleep and he froze. The last thing he wanted was for her to wake up and see him in this state. If she had any interest in him, surely the idea of him watching her sleep would just ruin that. And beyond wanting to hurt Angel, Connor did want Cordelia for himself. He couldn't qualify how he felt, love or lust, he just knew that he did feel something undeniable.  
  
Connor hobbled from the room and went into the bathroom. He had heard jokes from Gunn about cold showers. He got into the shower, startled by how painfully intense that could be. He had bathed in frigid streams in the demon dimension he had been raised in but it hadn't ever felt like this. He huddled against the back of the tub, cold water pounding his back, streaming around his buttocks. His errant flesh seemed fairly unimpressed by the cold water. He hated this. He hated having no control over his own body. Holtz had taught him this was a waste of energy better spent on other things, as if there had been anything to mate with in Quor-toth.  
  
Connor's whole experience with women was a fumbling kiss with Sunny before she overdosed in a flophouse bathroom and his odd interactions with Cordelia and Fred. No one had told him this was normal for a teenaged boy. All he knew was Holtz's fanatical preaching born out of a morality a century out of date. He remained hunched up in the freezing shower until he was blue and shivering 


	4. Innocence Explored

Jocasta Revisited By D. M. Evans Feedback - - geekgirzrus@yahoo.com Rating - R for implied sexual content Pairing - Cordy/Connor Spoilers - Up to Slouching Toward Bethlehem Summery - Cordelia, feeling lost and alone, finds solace in a younger man  
  
CHAPTER FOUR  
  
Connor ducked under the vampire's outreached hands and kicked at its knee, shattering it with a satisfying wet pop. The creature shrieked falling to the ground, rolling in the filth of the alley.  
  
"Now Cordelia!"  
  
He danced away and Cordelia rushed in with a stake. She slammed it full force into the vampire's chest. It jarred her shoulder painfully and she got a lung full of dust as the thing vaporized. She staggered against the wall, hacking.  
  
"That was perfect," Connor said, giving her shoulder an enthusiastic pat that was likely to leave a bruise.  
  
"That's awful." She wheezed some more. "I have dead man in my lungs."  
  
"You learn to hold your breath as you stab." Connor shrugged his slim shoulders. "You'll get the hang of it."  
  
"I'm not sure I want to. Are you certain I was a demon hunter? This so doesn't feel like me," Cordy griped, frantically dusting off her clothes.  
  
"Well, you were trying to be an actress but I don't think it was going well." He gave her an apologetic look.  
  
"Humph, why not? I mean just look at me. Wouldn't you pay money to see a body like this?" She fluttered her hands over her trim form.  
  
"Yeah sure but isn't there more to acting than looking pretty?" Connor asked, when what he wanted to say was 'he wanted to see that body for free.'  
  
She shrugged. "I need a long bath and to burn these clothes, not necessarily in that order. Can we go home now?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
While Cordy bathed, if that's what taking two hours and using up all the hot water could be called, Connor tried to find things to occupy his time, things other than what he wanted to do to Cordy since it just made his body do weird embarrassing things. He exercised some to burn away his nervous energy. He was good and sweaty but Cordy still wasn't done. Connor didn't own a TV to help pass the time. He didn't see the point but he was probably going to need to get one to keep Cordy happy.  
  
He sat on the edge of the bed and saw her woman's magazine on the floor. He picked it up leafing through it, bored. He could barely read. It wasn't a skill he needed in Quor-toth. Holtz had a Bible with him and used it to teach Connor what he did know. He had large chunks of it memorized but not thanks to his reading skill. He just had a gift for remembering things.  
  
The ads in the magazine amazed him. Connor was shocked at how much skin women showed. The stench from the pages bothered him. Why would a magazine need to smell like perfume? His fingers stumbled when he saw the article header '10 things your man absolutely needs to know to please you in bed,' or at least that's what he thought it read. He glanced around frantically. No signs of Cordelia, so he settled in and struggled to read it.  
  
"Okay, Connor, your turn in the shower."  
  
At Cordelia's voice, Connor dropped the magazine as if it had turned into a brand. He felt his cheeks turn red. At least he had made it through five things he needed to do. Most made no sense, sort of like what Cordy had just said to him. Her voice registered, the words were gone in the roar of the blinding panic at getting caught. "What?"  
  
"Hit the shower, hon. You're a mess." She patted his shoulder.  
  
"Oh, right." He might not have much experience with women but he knew that meant 'you aren't getting into MY bed all stinky.'  
  
He headed for the shower, grateful for an escape. As he lathered up he thought about what to do about Cordy. It didn't help that he associated the words 'shower' and 'Cordy' with memories of Cordy and Fred stressing to him in those first days in this world about the importance of showering daily. Holtz had told him more than one or two baths a year would weaken him and make him sick. The ladies had been appalled. Angel had quietly explained that Holtz's beliefs had been disproved nearly a century ago. He had been humiliated. At least Cordy didn't remember the incident.  
  
He arrived at the conclusion he'd have to do what he had done the night before, sleep on his side, facing away from her. He didn't trust his body not to go all out of control on him if he slept snuggled up with her. Once clean and dried, he trailed back into the main room dressed only in the jogging pants that he slept in. Cordelia was reading her magazine. She waggled it at him, grinning.  
  
"Most men wouldn't read this," she said.  
  
Connor huddled in on himself, mortified. "Sorry."  
  
"No, it's a good thing. Most men would rather stumble around blind. I may not remember much but I remember that," Cordy said. "Find anything interesting in it?"  
  
He was too embarrassed to answer. "It smells funny."  
  
"Huh? Oh, those are perfume samples, that's how they get you to buy their product. Come here." She patted the bed beside her, and he obliged. "Let's see if we can find one for men."  
  
Cordy found a Calvin Kline for men and rubbed it on his neck. His face screwed up and she laughed.  
  
"What? Don't you like it?"  
  
"No. You can't sneak up on anything smelling this strong." Would she get mad if he washed his neck? He wanted rid of the stuff. It made his nose burn but he decided not to risk upsetting her.  
  
"You don't wear it going to a fight." She ruffled his hair. "You wear it out dancing."  
  
He sank into himself, his arms crossing his torso protectively. "I don't dance."  
  
"We'll have to rectify that," Cordy said.  
  
"Okay." His eyes widened with fear. "Guess I should have pretended to like the perfume."  
  
Her face went somber. "No, Connor, never pretend to be what you're not. No one's worth that."  
  
He smiled at her. "Okay, but you do it."  
  
"I do not." She looked affronted.  
  
"You do. You pretend to be blonde." He touched her hair.  
  
Cordy laughed. "Woman's prerogative. It's okay to change your hair color if you want to."  
  
"I like you better with your dark hair. It seems more like you." He wisely kept 'and blond makes you look old' to himself. He had spent just enough time around Fred to know women hated age and weight references.  
  
"Thanks. Maybe I'll let it grow out."  
  
He smiled. "Do you like how that stuff smells?" He indicated his neck.  
  
Cordy ducked her face closer to him and sniffed. Her hair tickled his bare shoulders. "Smells very nice," she said softly.  
  
Connor caught her shoulders, maneuvering her so he could press his lips to hers. She didn't pull away. She took over the kiss, leading him into it more deeply. Her tongue slipped into his mouth, surprising him. He didn't know people did that. As he tensed, she stroked his back, her lips not leaving his. Suddenly she did break contact and put a hand on his chest, pushing away gently.  
  
"Cordy?" Puzzlement laced that simple word, weighing it down.  
  
"We can't do this," she said softly.  
  
All his muscles tensed. He feared this would happen. Was she thinking of his father? Did she think he wasn't attractive enough? Everyone kept telling him he was special but it felt like they were really saying 'little freak.' "Why not?"  
  
"It's wrong."  
  
"Because of him?" Connor couldn't keep the pain and anger out of his voice.  
  
She shook her head. She knew he meant Angel. "No, Connor, because you're still a kid."  
  
"No, I'm not! I'm a lot of things but I'm not a kid. I'm not sure I ever was," he replied, his face getting warm.  
  
"There are laws, hon. You have to be eighteen."  
  
"For all you know I am. I'm not really sure how old I am." A hint of sorrow snuck into his voice. "It's not like we kept track all that well in Quor-toth but I'm close to eighteen."  
  
Cordy's lips twitched up. "There is that."  
  
He touched his forehead to hers. "I'm old enough. Cordy, I care about you. I want this.if you do."  
  
"It's been a while," she said, wavering. She stroked his back.  
  
"It's been never." He gave her a nervous smile.  
  
She brushed her fingers along his cheek. "I guess I never thought about that, not a lot of dating where you came from.  
  
"You and Fred are about the only two women I've ever known," he admitted.  
  
"And that makes this wrong, too, Connor. You don't know what you're feeling is real or is just because you don't have a lot of experience being around others. Boys your age tend to fall hard and fast," Cordy said and it sounded lame to both of them. Connor looked offended.  
  
"It's real," he said, sulking. He turned his blue eyes on her and whispered. "I wanted you to be my first."  
  
Cordy gave him such a gentle look it almost stopped his heart. Her lips pressed against his soft and quick like the touch of a feather. "I have things to teach you then."  
  
"Yes, please," he rasped out, the blood thundering in his head as it made a mass exodus to points south.  
  
Cordy kissed him again, pressing him back against the mattress. Her tongue danced with his. His nose kept getting in the way of the kiss but Cordy made the little necessary adjustments. His body didn't take long to respond but this time he wasn't embarrassed.  
  
After their love session left them exhausted, Cordelia's strong arms wrapped around him tightly pulling him flat against her. Connor embraced her back, too drained, too utterly thankful to speak. He might have felt clumsy and maybe not particularly good at it but he wouldn't trade this night for anything.  
  
* * *  
  
Beers hated pulling the night shift. L.A. got scary once the sun set. Worse, for the most part whomever he was trailing was in for the night and the job got deadly dull. That's how it was most nights. Tonight, however, was not dull. He sat surrounded by his spy gear, making audio recordings to go along with all the snap shots he was taking.  
  
"Thank you Mrs. Robinson," he muttered, reaching into his pocket for his cellular. He hit one of the programmed numbers. "Sorry to call so late Ms. Morgan but you're going to want to know about what your girl is doing and who with." 


	5. Betrayal

Jocasta Revisited By D. M. Evans Feedback - geekgirzrus@yahoo.com Rating - R Pairing - Cordy/Connor Spoilers - Up to Slouching Toward Bethlehem Summery - Cordelia, feeling lost and alone, finds solace in a younger man  
  
CHAPTER FIVE  
  
The coolness of the glass and metal against his back made a strange counterpoint to Connor's inner heat. He sat on the window seat bench, bare skin to the glass. Cordelia sat on his lap. Cordelia tucked his head against her shoulder, stroking his back. Cordy's lips met his hungrily then traveled down his neck and over his right shoulder. Finally she swung off of him, stretching like a cat. She looked back at him and he smiled, mouthing the words 'thank you.' She ruffled his lank hair.  
  
"You are going to be so much fun once we start exploring what your strength and flexibility can add to these games." She beamed at him.  
  
His eyes widened with excitement. "I'll be looking forward to that."  
  
"No doubt. Right now I'm looking forward to a nice shower and what say we go out for a big breakfast, I'm starving," Cordy said, padding toward the bathroom.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Want to join me in the shower?" Cordelia asked and didn't wait for his answer. She knew what it would be.  
  
* * *  
  
Fred lifted the heavy courier-delivered envelope from the stack of mail she had tossed it onto earlier in the day. The handwriting on the envelope was flowery and crisp and looked vaguely familiar. She resisted the temptation to open it. It was addressed directly to Angel but she needed the distraction and could barely stand not knowing what was inside. Fred needed to get her mind off what Charles had done to her one-time mentor before dropping him into the dimensional vortex. He probably saw it as protecting her, keeping her from the burden of taking a life. She saw it as robbing her of her rightful vengeance. She didn't need protecting.  
  
"Do you think it's too early to try and talk to Cordy?" Gunn asked from where he worked at making sure the crossbows were in perfect working order. "I'm getting tired of Angel carrying on about her living with Connor."  
  
Fred shrugged. "Maybe I should talk to her myself, woman to woman without the pressure Angel's likely to put on her."  
  
Gunn bobbed his head. "Good point."  
  
Fred twisted a long lock of hair around her slim finger, a thoughtful look flittering across her gaunt face. "She might be ready to talk. I mean, sooner or later she's going to realize the same thing I did. This can be a pretty scary place when you've been out of it for a long time. She doesn't know who she is or how to make it without her friends or her family. We need to make her see she's not alone."  
  
Gunn's lips pulled into a grim line. "You know that you're not alone, right? I know it gets scary for you sometimes but I'm here for you."  
  
Fred smiled warmly. She did know that even if she was currently mad at him. "I know. And even if you weren't here, I still have my parents to go home to if I had to. So does Cordy. I know Angel would hate it but maybe Cordy should take a little time and go back to Sunnydale and heal some."  
  
"That's not a bad idea either. What've you got there?" Gunn nodded at the envelope.  
  
"Something weird for Angel. I'll give it to him when he wakes up."  
  
"I'm awake," Angel said, coming down the stairs. They both glanced up startled. "What is it?"  
  
"I'm not sure, something that came special delivery." Fred regarded him cautiously. If Angel had overheard them he was giving no signs. Or if he had heard he probably knew they were right.  
  
Angel took the envelope from her. Inside it were two other packages, a tape and another envelope.  
  
"What does it say?" Gunn asked, glancing over at it curiously.  
  
"The tape say 'play first'," Angel replied. He took it to the stereo on Fred's desk. "The envelope says 'it's midnight, do you know where your kid is?' It's from Lilah, complete with a lipstick kiss." Angel rolled his eyes as he hit play. They all stared at the stereo as the muffled sounds of wind over a microphone issued out, almost obliterating the unmistakable noises of sex.  
  
"What the hell?" Gunn asked, setting aside his crossbow.  
  
"Open the envelope," Fred said, tapping his elbow.  
  
Angel tore it open, a puzzled look on his face. He went rigid as he leafed through the photos that were inside. His face molded into a visage of rage as he dropped the photos onto the desk. He scooped up the stereo and hurled it against the wall. It shattered loudly.  
  
"Whoa! What's up with that?" Gunn asked, backpedaling a few steps.  
  
Angel stalked toward the front door without answering.  
  
"Angel, stop! It's daylight!" Fred screeched, jumping to her feet.  
  
Angel paused, his body quivering with fury. Gunn picked up the dropped photos and handed some to Fred. Their jaws dropped almost in unison.  
  
"Oh, Angel," Fred gasped.  
  
Angel moved back over snatching the photos away from Fred. "How did he do it? How did he force her into this?" Angel growled. "I'm going to kill him."  
  
"Think what you're saying, man," Gunn said, judging that Angel actually meant it. "You don't want to kill Connor and I don't think there's any forcing going on." For emphasis Gunn held up a picture of Cordy in the St. George's position on top of Connor.  
  
Angel slapped it away. "He'd do anything to hurt me. Cordelia's susceptible right now. And he's going to pay for taking advantage of that."  
  
"No, Angel," Fred said so softly, so unusual for her that the vampire hesitated.  
  
"Don't do this." Gunn caught Angel's arm.  
  
With an irritated growl Angel swung that arm, spinning Gunn over a desk. Angel was gone into the basement before Gunn could pick himself up.  
  
Fred scurried over to Gunn helping him up. Blood trickled from a cut on his shaved head. "We have to stop him."  
  
Gunn shook his head to clear it. "I know that. Angel has to go the long way through the sewers. We can go the direct route."  
  
Fred's face wrinkled up as Gunn raided the weapon's closet. "Yeah, right through the city traffic."  
  
"No choice," Gunn said, heading for Angel's car.  
  
* * *  
  
Gunn and Fred took the steps to Connor's loft three at a time. Gunn nearly plowed into Angel on the stairs. The vampire was just standing motionless on the internal stairwell. All three of them stared at each other uneasily.  
  
"Angel," Fred said hesitantly. Her doe eyes seemed to engulf her face.  
  
He help up a hand, silencing her.  
  
"We thought we'd beat you here," Gunn said, craning his head to look around Angel, hoping the door wasn't busted down and bodies strewn around like the front lines of a firefight.  
  
"It's okay. I've..I'm not going to do anything stupid. I thought about it and.Still, this isn't right what they're doing." Angel eyed the weapon Gunn held. He was somehow relieved that the young man was willing to mow him down to protect Connor and Cordy if need be. "Did you really think I'd hurt Connor?"  
  
"The way you looked, man, we weren't sure." Gunn didn't ease his hand away from the weapon.  
  
"I know you're not okay, Angel but you meant what you said, right?" Fred's head bobbed chicken-like in her nervousness. "You're not going to do anything foolish."  
  
Angel slumped against the stair rail. "I'm going to go home but."  
  
"But what?" Gunn asked sternly, hoping to herd Angel out of there before something worse happened.  
  
"That's my son in there and no matter if it was what he wanted, Connor is just a boy. He's not old enough for this, especially with an older woman."  
  
"Angel," Gunn started but a glance from Angel shut him up.  
  
"I know that's silly and I know how ironic it is coming from me, given me and Buffy." He spread his large hands trying to figure out what to do with them. He finally rested them on the railing. "I know this isn't any different but it feels like it."  
  
"It is different," Fred said. "To you, Connor should still be a baby and you and Cordy should still be feeling something for one another and none of that's true any more."  
  
"I need to go home," Angel muttered, his hands twisting the metal of the railing.  
  
"Good idea." Gunn relaxed some, putting his hand on Fred's hip. "Fred was thinking of talking to Cordy, just the girls. I'm thinking that's a good idea, too."  
  
Angel dragged a weary hand over his badly chopped hair. "That would be better than me talking to anyone. It's not like Connor and I can talk for more than five minutes without fighting on a good day."  
  
"If it's any consolation, that's how it was with my father and me when I was a teen," Gunn said, ruefully, remembering the dust ups.  
  
Angel bobbed his head. "Actually it was the same with me and mine as well."  
  
"Testing the boundaries, it's a natural thing," Fred put in, taking a step down the rickety stairs.  
  
Before they could get out of the stairwell, the door to the loft opened. Connor and Cordy pulled up short. Cordy smiled brightly but Connor's blue eyes narrowed and his face took on what Fred had come to think of as his squirrelly look, that look he got before all his energy came bursting forth usually in all the wrong ways.  
  
"Hey guys, Connor thought he heard voices out here. We were just heading out to grab something to eat. Want to come with?" Cordy asked then looked sheepish. "Except you, Angel. Sorry, I keep forgetting you can't go out in the sun."  
  
"That's okay, Cordelia. I know what you meant," Angel said.  
  
"What are you all doing here?" Connor asked suspiciously.  
  
"We were.uh, worried about you, Connor," Angel said, wincing at the lack of conviction in his words.  
  
Connor's nose wrinkled, deepening the puffiness under his eyes. The boy had a tendency to always look like he needed a good night's sleep and Angel figured that was more true now than ever. "Why?"  
  
"We think someone's s following you two," Angel replied more surely. It was true and Connor needed to be warned.  
  
"Again, why?" The boy's lips peeled away from his teeth in something nowhere near as warm as smile.  
  
"Let's just say someone tipped us off," Angel said.  
  
"And we have every reason to believe it," Gunn added, Fred nodding her agreement.  
  
Cordy shuddered. "Ewww, just think of it, being watched. It's creepy. There are a lot of things I wouldn't want people seeing."  
  
"No doubt," Angel said dryly. The words weren't past his lips before he regretted them.  
  
Connor's slate blue-grey eyes canted up at his father, fury glazing them. "You know."  
  
Angel shrugged when what he wanted to do was get it all out in the open. Connor's hateful little smirk wasn't helping matters nor were the scents of sex wafting out of the loft. The pictures and tape burned their way to the front of his consciousness and he had to battle them back.  
  
"Know what?" Cordy asked, shifting her weight nervously, an action mirrored by Fred.  
  
"Actually I'm not too surprised to find you in the role of Oedipus, Connor, given you've already tried to kill me a couple of times now. All you need is a sturdy pin for your eyes at this point. But you, Cordelia, I'm shocked to find you cast as Jocasta," Angel said with amazing calmness. He knew he had to rein in his temper. He knew what he was capable of when he gave in. Luckily he was expert at keeping his leash short.  
  
"Huh?" Connor's face wrinkled up as the literary reference sailed right past him.  
  
"I think maybe we should go." Fred tugged on Angel's arm. She got the reference and felt the fight brewing.  
  
"You're mad?" Cordy asked, her lips pushing out, a snarky look on her face.  
  
Angel looked at her as if it was the stupidest thing he had heard in his nearly three hundred years. "You could say that. He's a child, Cordelia."  
  
"No, I'm not!" Connor growled.  
  
"He's not a kid, Angel. If he were just a kid, then why did you throw him out into a world he doesn't know how to survive in?" Cordy shot back, her hand slipping around Connor's narrow waist.  
  
"The whole locking me in a coffin and dumping me in the ocean had a little bit to do with that and he's surviving just fine." Angel felt his temper boiling.  
  
"Don't you snap at me," Cordy said, taking a step away from Connor to get in Angel's face.  
  
"I don't think you want to go there, Cordy," Gunn said, hoping she would just shut the hell up before she made things worse. But this was Cordelia and speaking her mind was what she did. Gunn knew it all too well.  
  
"Cordelia, a couple months ago you were changing his diapers. Now you're sleeping with him. Do I need to tell you how wrong that is?" The words grated out even as he tried to keep them in. "Maybe I do need to say it. This group seems to need to be told what's in front of them all the time, like we can't see things without a push. Take us for example, everyone telling us how perfect we were together ad nauseam."  
  
"Guess they were wrong." Cordy flipped her short hair back acting as if she still had her luxurious mane. "Just like you're wrong about this."  
  
"I'm not wrong about this," Angel argued.  
  
"You are and it's damn crappy of you to do this in front of everyone." Cordy waved imperiously at Gunn and Fred. "It's not like I planned on doing this. It was just one of those things that happened. Don't ask me to regret it."  
  
"One of those things?" Connor's mouth went slack. Crushed didn't begin to cover the look in his eyes, a look that morphed into unbridled hatred as he turned them back on his father. "Get out of here! You're getting into her head. Just leave us alone."  
  
"Shut up, Connor," Angel snapped reflexively and instantly regretted it.  
  
"No one gets into my head," Cordy said. "I do my own thinking, thank you."  
  
Connor flinched. The others had long ago marked his habit of doing that whenever he was confronted, making them wonder what Holtz had done to him.  
  
"Don't yell at him, Cordelia," Angel said.  
  
"Quit telling everyone what to do," Connor growled, taking a step closer to Angel. He was far too short and scrawny to look like a threat but he did his best.  
  
Cordelia threw her hands up, heading down the stairs. "Tell you what, it's too early for screaming. When the testosterone levels fall we can talk like adults."  
  
"I think we ought to finish this now," Angel said and Cordy paused long enough to shoot him a peeved look.  
  
"I should have known you'd ruin this. You destroy everything you touch," Connor sneered, thumping his hands against Angel's chest.  
  
"Connor, honey, don't do that," Fred said, starting to go to him then froze, remembering she was angry with him still.  
  
"Shut up! You don't get to tell me what to do any more. You're probably just as happy I get to hurt some more." Connor's pale face flushed as his rage lost focus, starting to spill out like toxins from a festering wound.  
  
Seeing the distress in Fred's eyes, Angel caught Connor's arm, shaking it. "Apologize to her. She didn't do anything to you."  
  
Connor laughed bitterly. "Shows what you know. Can't you just go away? I hate you all."  
  
"Don't start saying things you can't take back, Connor," Angel said softly. "Go cool off."  
  
"I told you to quit telling me what to do!" Connor's fist cocked back and landed so fast Angel didn't have time to react.  
  
The vampire wiped the blood off his split lip, struggling to hold in the instinct that said it was time to feast, to pay blood for blood.  
  
"Connor, you don't want to do that," Cordy said.  
  
"Why are you on his side?" Pain wracked Connor's voice. "I thought you loved me."  
  
"I do care about you. But you don't want to provoke this fight," Cordelia said. She might not remember if Angel had a temper or not but she could read his expression.  
  
"Care?" Connor's fingers buried themselves in his hair, tearing at it. "That's not what you're supposed to say."  
  
"Still think he's old enough to understand, Cordelia?" Angel said, reaching out for Connor but he hesitated. He didn't know how to make this better.  
  
"This is all your fault, Dad." The way Connor sneered the word it sounded like a curse.  
  
Connor grabbed Angel's outstretched hand and swung the vampire into the railing, intending to send him over it. Angel caught it and shoved back, breaking his son's grip. Connor exploded into a hailstorm of fists and feet. As they danced up and down the stairs, Connor landing enough blows to make Angel fear someone was really going to get hurt, Gunn herded Fred and Cordelia down the steps out of range.  
  
"Enough Connor, just relax. We can work this out," he said, holding Connor against the wall.  
  
Connor growled wordlessly and head butted Angel across his prominent nose. Angel staggered back, surprised. Connor snaked around him, jogging up a few steps so he could launch himself at Angel with more force. Angel caught him and flung him away. Even as his son tore from his grip Angel knew he had put too much strength in it, his own anger slipping its leash. Connor slammed into the wall and fell limply to the ground, bouncing down half a flight of stairs until Gunn snagged him.  
  
"Oh, God! Connor!" Angel cried. "I'm sorry!" The vampire took all the steps in one effortless leap. "Is he all right? Connor, I'm sorry."  
  
Gunn glanced up at the vampire angrily as he assessed the boy. Connor lay against the wooden steps, moaning. A trickle of blood snaked out from under his hair, running along his rounded cheek. His right arm was bent ninety degrees between elbow and wrist, the jagged edge of bone gleaming grey through the torn skin. "He's hurt bad."  
  
"I didn't mean it, Connor. I'm sorry," Angel babbled, the smell of his son's blood thick in his nose. He stooped down and stroked his son's hair. His fingers came away streaked with red. Connor's eyes opened but Angel didn't think he was seeing anything.  
  
"He needs to get to a hospital," Gunn said.  
  
"On it," Fred said, wiggling the cellular phone she had placed a 911 call on.  
  
"I can't believe you did that," Cordelia said.  
  
"It was an accident," Angel whispered. "I was trying to stop him."  
  
"You certainly did that," Cordy snapped.  
  
"See what you've done?" Angel asked, moving to hold his son. Cordelia went alabaster but didn't argue.  
  
Gunn stopped him. "Don't move him."  
  
"We don't know if his neck or back are hurt. Let him lie where he is," Fred added.  
  
"You'd better go." Gunn pointed to the door at the end of the stairs before they took a bend to go into the basement. "Once they open that door to get in here you're going to start smoking and we don't have time to explain that."  
  
"I didn't mean to hurt him," Angel said, getting up.  
  
Fred laid a hand on his arm. "We know. Go. We'll take good care of him."  
  
Angel whirled away from them hurrying into the basement before they saw the tears in his eyes or heard the breaking of his heart. 


	6. Heart to Heart

Jocasta Revisited By D. M. Evans Feedback - geekgirzrus@yahoo.com Rating - R Pairing - Cordy/Connor Spoilers - Up to Slouching Toward Bethlehem Summery - Cordelia, feeling lost and alone, finds solace in a younger man  
  
CHAPTER SIX  
  
Angel looked up, hearing the front door opening. He sat on the floor next to a trashcan still smoldering and stinking of poorly burned photographs. His bloodshot eyes regarded Gunn cautiously. Angel couldn't qualify what he was feeling but it was akin to the heart stopping terror he had experience once or twice as a mortal man.  
  
"Is he going to be all right?" Angel couldn't believe how badly his voice shook.  
  
Gunn tossed himself onto the couch. "He'll live."  
  
"I didn't mean to throw him that hard."  
  
"But you did and nothing's gonna change that," Gunn said, then his face lost some of its edge. "He provoked it, Angel. We all know that."  
  
Angel wagged his head. He didn't want forgiveness, at least not yet. "Still, I know better. How bad did I hurt him?"  
  
"Bad enough." Gunn scrubbed a hand over his shaved pate. "Obviously his arm was busted up. They had to operate and put in a metal plate over the break."  
  
"Will he." Angel swallowed hard, curling in on himself. It had been a long time since he felt this small. "Will he be able to use it again?"  
  
Gunn nodded. "The surgeon was very optimistic. Hell, for all we know, Connor's got super healing to go along with his strength, speed and hearing."  
  
"The fall didn't hurt his spine, did it?" Angel had been tormenting himself waiting for this report, debating which was worse, having killed his son or paralyzing him. Angel didn't think Connor could adjust to life in a wheelchair. The boy lived to move. Angel had noticed how Connor reveled in the agility of his own form. He always seemed to be in motion. Gunn termed it twitchy. Angel didn't see it then again he had missed out on three months of Connor's life; three more on top of untold years in hell. Was his son sixteen, eighteen, older, younger? Whatever it was, it was too young to end up unable to walk.  
  
"No," Gunn said simply, ending that misery. "But he did fracture his skull, hairline crack. The doctors weren't overly concerned. Personally that fluid running out of Connor's nose scared me."  
  
"Fluid?" Angel's eyes widened. Scrambling his son's brains was worse than paralyzing him.  
  
Gunn shrugged. "Called it CSF, said it cushioned the brain. The doc said it was common for it to leak out when you break the cribri.something or other. A bone sort of behind the nose bone. They said it wasn't bad, like brain damage bad but he does have a hell of a concussion. They said something about a countrecoup injury. I'm shocked I even remember how to say that." Gunn snorted. "Why can't doctors just say things in plain English? Contrecoup, who knows that that means? Couldn't just say bruised brain, which is what it is. When his forehead hit ground, his brain sloshed backwards and bruised against the back of his skull."  
  
Angel winced at the description. Gunn looked remotely fascinated by the way it worked. "And this isn't serious?" Angel asked his voice tight with disbelief.  
  
"I guess all concussions are bruised brains. They were more excited about the forty-five stitches it took to sew up his scalp. I warn you now, they shaved his head." Gunn made a face. "Hope his hair grows back fast cause on him, my style just ain't working."  
  
"Gunn!"  
  
Gunn half-smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Silly how your mind works. I'm looking at the poor kid in the recovery room and all I can think is 'God he looks stupid bald'."  
  
Angel tried to get that image out of his mind. "They're keeping him at the hospital?"  
  
Gunn cracked his knuckles, pulling at them wearily. "Yeah. At least for tonight because of the head injuries and to give him antibiotics through a vein. They said that was standard when they put metal in you."  
  
"Cordy and Fred are with him?"  
  
"Fred is. Cordy was freaking so we sent her back to the loft," Gunn said disgusted. Angel thought Gunn should be a little more forgiving of her, all things considered. "I don't think Connor has noticed she's gone. He's loopy on painkillers. At least she held it together while we were all waiting in the ER for him to get taken into surgery."  
  
"What did you tell the doctors?"  
  
"That Connor got mugged in a stairwell. Fred and Cordy, before she wigged, got Connor to go along with it. Fred told him if he said you did it the cops might take him and put him somewhere like a foster home. Maybe not a fair thing to do to someone lying there with his arms bones hanging out but it worked." Gunn shrugged apologetically. "Connor's not really in any condition to do or say much anyhow. The doctors probably think he's a junkie looking to score over in that neighborhood. That's probably why they'll release him tomorrow unless there's complications. Which I guess ain't a bad deal 'cause if someone starts looking into Connor Angel and sees that according to his birth certificate he's under six months old, there might be questions."  
  
Angel nodded, getting to his feet.  
  
"Where are you going?" Gunn asked nervously, getting up himself just in case.  
  
"To the hospital. It's dark now."  
  
"Do you think that's smart?"  
  
Angel saw the muted fear in Gunn's dark eyes. He didn't blame him. "No, but I need to talk to him and with him still coming down from pain killers and anesthesia he's in no shape to do anything but lie there and listen."  
  
Gunn snorted. "You hope."  
  
"Lilah knows what happened." Angel paused as Gunn went on full alert. "Her spy must have seen the ambulance. She sent me a cute little taunt that I burned along with everything else. Wolfram and Hart knows where my son is and he can't protect himself. I'm going to be sure nothing worse happens to him."  
  
"I'll go with you," Gunn said, crossing over to Angel.  
  
"No. Get some rest. He'll need someone to look after him once the sun rises, if you're willing."  
  
Gunn shot him a looking saying, 'did you have to ask.' "Yeah man, of course."  
  
"Thanks, Gunn, for everything." Angel meant it. He knew full well Gunn and Fred hadn't completely forgiven Connor yet but they still cared for him.  
  
Gunn just nodded. "It's not all your fault, you know that right? Connor just keeps pushing. He did it to me constantly while you were gone. There were times when I wanted to flatten him for popping off."  
  
"But you didn't. Most adults wouldn't." Angel mentally flinched as he dug the spurs deeper into himself.  
  
Gunn snorted. "I only didn't because Fred was there to cool it out. If I had been my dad listening to me spout off like that, I would have knocked him into next week."  
  
Angel knew exactly how Gunn felt. "I'll do my best not to be either of our fathers."  
  
* * *  
  
Angel tried to make himself as unobtrusive as possible as he went into his son's hospital room. It was still visiting hours but just barely. He didn't want to be ejected before he had a chance to say what he needed to. There was the smell of death on the wing in the room but it was coming from the other side of the curtain. He could see three middle-aged people huddled near the bed, probably waiting for a parent to pass on.  
  
Fred sat next to Connor's bed, talking softly to him. Angel was grateful she had forgiven the boy enough to be willing to be with him. Connor looked amazingly tiny lying there. For a wild moment Angel wondered whom Connor resembled. With those big blue eyes that took up most of his face, large lips and small frame, he looked more like Dru's child than Darla's. How did he and Darla get a blue-eyed child in the first place?  
  
Fred glanced over, hearing him perhaps, or just on the look out for him. She smiled nervously and leaned close to Connor, whispering something. She got up and crossed over to Angel.  
  
"Gunn told me how bad he's hurt," Angel said softly.  
  
Fred looked back at Connor, her soft hair undulating with the quick movement. "He's pretty out of it."  
  
"Still, I need to talk to him." Angel touched her arm. "Wolfram and Hart might be lurking around so be careful going home."  
  
Fred's eyes tightened. "I'm going to check up on Cordy first."  
  
"Good idea." Angel smiled at her. "Thank you Fred, for being here with him."  
  
"Do you want me to stay with you?" She looked like she'd rather be gone and Angel didn't blame her.  
  
"No, go ahead and check on Cordy. I need to be alone with him." Angel glanced over at the curtained off section of the room. "As alone as I can get at any rate."  
  
"Good luck." Fred squeezed his hand then left.  
  
Angel dragged the chair closer to the bed. He didn't want to loom over the boy. Connor's eyes tracked him, hostile. His hand fumbled for the nurse's call button but the IV heplock in the hollow of his elbow slowed him down. Angel took the button away. Connor's thin body quivered with rage.  
  
"No calling anyone. I just want to talk to you and I want you to listen. Five minutes, then I'll go if you want me to," Angel said evenly.  
  
Connor curled his lips at him. "Go now."  
  
"Just listen." Angel stroked Connor's cheek only to have him flinch away. "I'm sorry Connor. I'm sorry you got hurt. I didn't mean to harm you and it looks like I did it worse than you've probably ever suffered. I should never have come to your home in the first place."  
  
Connor's eyes narrowed to hateful slits. "Why did you?"  
  
Angel wanted to tell him a comforting lie but he looked into his son's face and knew he couldn't. Both of Connor's eyes were black and swollen. His shaven head was covered on one side with thick white bandages. More fluffy dressings wrapped his broken arm reminding Angel of the snow of his childhood, soft, white and hiding dangers. What was visible of Connor's hand was puffy, painted orange-brown with iodine and the dark purple of blood under the skin added to the ugliness of it. Angel could smell the blood seeping around the sutures. Too much damage had been done. Adding lies wouldn't help. "Because I knew what you and Cordy were doing. Wolfram and Hart's spies told me."  
  
"Someone saw?"  
  
Given the stricken look in his son's eyes, Angel was very glad that he didn't mention the pictures and tape. "Yes."  
  
"You were coming to stop us, to hurt me," Connor accused, huddling against the bed.  
  
"No." Angel rested his hand on Connor's shoulder. "I was thinking it. I wanted to wring your neck but I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't hurt you, Connor, and I know it's hard to believe, lying here full of stitches and broken bones. I was angry for a lot of reasons, the thought you might have done it just to get back at me being number one on the list. I don't think that's what you did but I don't doubt you thought of it." The hardening of Connor's eyes told Angel he wasn't wrong. "And I was angry at Cordy for taking advantage of you. You're too young, whether you think so or not. And it wasn't fair to Cordy either. She doesn't know herself. The last thing she needs is to get involved in a relationship. You have no idea how complicated they always are. That's why I agreed she needed to have space in the first place."  
  
Connor's good hand twisted in the bedding, nearly tearing it. "You're mad because I have what you want."  
  
"That's not it. Yes, I am still sorting out how I feel about Cordy but it was a moot point, even before she lost her memory. Maybe you don't know about my curse, Connor. My soul is contingent on me being unhappy and suffering. One moment of bliss and my soul is gone, leaving me a monster again."  
  
Connor's blacked eyes narrow. "That's dumb. You have to be lying."  
  
"No, and yes, a loophole that let's the demon go free is stupid but that's what I'm stuck with. I can't be with Cordy, ever. It's too big a risk. I've learned that the hard way. I loved a girl, not so long ago. In the end I had to move here to keep from becoming Angelus again. I loved her too much to stay, no matter how much I wanted to. Even if Cordy and I were really in love and it wasn't just what people wanted to see, the end would have been the same. I would have had to leave her, too. When I remember that, I wasn't angry any more. If I hadn't wasted time reassuring Fred and Gunn everything was okay I would have been gone before you knew I was ever there and none of this would have happened."  
  
Angel waved a hand at the IV bag letting nutrients and antibiotics drip slowly into Connor's body. Connor cringed at the motion, his eyes screwing closed in pain as he moved. Angel gently stroked his unbroken arm. "Do you need me to get the nurse to get you something for the pain?"  
  
"No. She said she'd be back at ten with another pill." He pulled a long face. "I don't like them. They make me feel funny."  
  
"I'm sorry." Angel saw no belief in his son's eyes. He decided to forge ahead anyhow. "After I wasn't so shocked any more about last night, I thought about something else. You haven't been in this world very long. It's not unreasonable to think you've never been with a woman before." Angel paused, seeing Connor squirming uncomfortably. Angel was relieved he would never have to give his son the big sex talk now. Just saying this much was hard and embarrassing. "I knew Cordy would have treated you well. Not every woman would have. You have no idea how important and special that is now but you'll come to appreciate it. I'm glad Cordy was the one to give you that."  
  
"No, you're not, "Connor grumbled, a sulky pout touching his generous lips.  
  
"Yes, I am. Believe me, a lot worse things could have happened the first time out." Angel was grateful he could no longer blush. "Like falling out of the hayloft taking the scullery maid with you then landing on a pitch fork and having to explain to your father how you got stabbed in the thigh."  
  
Connor just stared. Angel shrugged sheepishly and a bubble of laughter escaped his son. Angel decided that amusement looked good on Connor. It was a shame it was such rare emotion for him. "Forget I told you that."  
  
"No."  
  
Angel snorted. He patted Connor's arm again. "The people watching you earlier might still be lurking. I'll be around all night to make sure they don't hurt you. Cordy, Fred and Gunn will be here in the day," Angel said, hoping he was safe speaking for Cordy. She didn't like anyone deciding things for her but he figured she'd want to be here. "We're just looking out for Wolfram and Hart's men, not spying on you, okay?"  
  
Connor gave Angel a fished eyed look and begrudging 'okay.'  
  
"I'm going to go now and make sure no one's hanging around who doesn't belong. I'm sorry you got hurt Connor and I want you to know I love you, no matter what."  
  
Connor simply continued to stare at him, the pupils of his eyes pinpoints from the narcotics. "Really? If that's true, if you love me so much, if you're happy for me how come you still have your soul?"  
  
Angel shut his eyes. Trust Connor to find yet another way to twist the knife. "Because it needs to be perfect happiness, true bliss and while I might love you, Connor, it's a far cry from blissful. When you were a baby I was terrified something would happen to you, that one of my enemies would kill you. Now I'm worried about what in the name of God you're going to do next. But it's a good thing. If I wasn't worried, if it were possible to be completely happy with you then I'd be in trouble. I'll take the road with all the bumps."  
  
Connor tucked his chin down, a habit Angel had noticed, as if the boy expected to get hit at any moment or was somehow afraid to meet anyone's eyes. "I don't believe you."  
  
"That's okay, too. One day you will. I should go. I'll check back but that pill will put you to sleep before I get back."  
  
"I don't want you here anyhow. I don't need you," Connor said spitefully.  
  
Angel smiled sadly. "You sound just like I did with my father. I didn't understand how much I had hurt him until now."  
  
"I'm nothing like you. I hate you." That came out as a growl, Connor trying to hike himself upright and failing.  
  
"You might even think that's true, Connor." Angel covered him back up snugly. "It doesn't change a thing. I still love you and I'm not going to give up on you."  
  
As he left, Angel looked back and saw his son angrily wiping away tears. He set out stalking for Wolfram and Hart's men, feeling reassured he could evoke an emotion beyond anger from his son.  
  
Author's Note: CSF is cerebral spinal fluid and it cushions and provides a barrier for the brain. It commonly leaks out when the cribriform plate is fractured (common sports injury). See, 10 years of medical school/residency pays off. 


	7. Fall Back and Regroup

CHAPTER SEVEN  
  
"I can't believe you're doing this, Cordelia," Angel said, sitting on the steps of the courtyard.  
  
"I need space, Angel. This is just too much for me." She examined a plant in the courtyard so not to have to look at him. She knew this was going to be hard. She wanted yesterday to have just been a bad dream. She wanted to have her memories back. She wanted to know why she had sex with a teen and she didn't want to be having this fight. But something in her told her she didn't give an inch, not ever. It wasn't in her.  
  
"You're stronger than this."  
  
At those soft simple words, she whirled on him and let all her fears bubble up. "Than what? Dealing with whatever happened to me when I was gone? Dealing with the fact that I know vampires and demons and I'm apparently okay with it? Dealing with the idea that I have visions and I hunt down demons with the rest of you? No, Angel, I'm not that strong. I'm drowning in all of this and I need to grab a lifeline."  
  
"I notice Connor didn't even make the list." The only signs of his anger she could see was the ice in his dark eyes and the chill in his voice that could have frosted the entirely garden.  
  
It froze Cordy to the core but she let her own temper melt through it. "Maybe because I can't give you a reason for what's going on with him?" God, that was so true. She had always been a little 'friendly'; somehow she knew that instinctively just as she knew it wasn't exactly right to be with Connor. "Or maybe it's the one thing I can deal with or maybe I just can't figure out how I feel or how I came to be in this situation; only that I did and it doesn't feel entirely wrong."  
  
"And yet you're going to leave him. It's going to crush him."  
  
Cordy stalked over to him, her body trembling. Did he think she was stupid? She knew that but she had to have faith in Connor. He wasn't like any boy she had ever known, or at least she didn't think so. Too much of her was gone to be sure. "Last time we spoke you wanted me to take time for myself before I got involved with anyone. You said he was too young. You were right on both accounts."  
  
"I understand that. Connor won't. He's a teen. He's.what did Lorne call it? Emotionally and socially stunted. He doesn't know about getting dumped. Even if you tell him you're coming back, it's not going to stop him from hurting. Nothing is coming to change the fact that one day you're sleeping with him and the next you're leaving the city."  
  
"You're not giving him enough credit," Cordy said, leaning up against a palm tree. She rapped her head back against it, ignoring the tiny flare of pain.  
  
"Maybe you're giving him too much credit."  
  
"He'll understand I need to go home just for a little while. He's mature for his age," she argued.  
  
Angel snorted. "You obviously haven't talked to Fred and Gunn. Connor is a typical teen. Well, as typical as he can be given what he is." Angel got to his feet, crossing over to her. "And doing this to him is pretty immature on your part and stupid."  
  
Cordy slapped him. "How dare you? You can't put this all on me. I can't take any more. I'm coming unglued. Can't you understand that?" Her fist hit him without any strength. He caught her arm gently, his face softening. She could see he'd take whatever she handed him just now, even if it was rage against the obvious. He knew she was in pain, that she wasn't herself. He'd take it even if she was wrong. She knew she was. He knew it but she wouldn't admit it. It wasn't in her, too and he seemed to know that as well. What had she done to deserve such a good friend?  
  
"Cordy please, don't just go." Angel paced away from her, giving her space to recover her dignity. "Stay here. Move back out on your own if you need space. Invite your parents here for a visit if you have to. Just please don't abandon him."  
  
Cordy hugged her arms around herself tight, turning her head so he couldn't see her eyes misting. "Angel, please don't make this so hard. I'm only going to be gone a short time."  
  
"Long enough to tear his heart out."  
  
"You're just afraid he's going to blame you," Cordy said, the steel coming back to her face as she turned back to him.  
  
Angel shook his head. "I know I'm going to get blamed. I can live with that. I can handle anything he puts me through but you don't need to do this."  
  
"You're wrong. I do." It was a lie but they both ignored it. She went to him, gently taking his hand. It was so cold and hard she couldn't imagine ever wanting it near her; friends, she didn't doubt they were that but she couldn't imagine that they might have once thought to be more. "And I'll find a way to make Connor understand that. I promise."  
  
"I'm not sure that's possible." Angel looked into her eyes. "I'm not going to change your mind, am I?"  
  
"No. I need to find out who I am." She sighed, leaning against him as her energy drained away. "I know I shouldn't have put Connor into this mess but I did and I'll make it right."  
  
Angel said nothing. Cordelia shot him a sorrowful look and headed off. All she could do was pray what she had to do next wouldn't be as traumatic as she feared.  
  
* * *  
  
"Why are you doing this?" Connor asked, struggling to get up off his bed. The painkillers they had sent him home with made him feel like he was mired in mud. He would stop taking the pills as soon as he could get away with it. Gunn and Fred were gone, or maybe they were outside making sure no one was spying on him. He didn't really like it but at the same time, it wasn't so bad. He had gotten used to them caring for him. He just wished Fred and Cordy would quit telling him to take his pills.  
  
"I need to find myself, honey. I can't do that here," Cordelia replied, putting the remainder of her clothing in a small tatty suitcase.  
  
He achieved the sitting position but the room swam with the effort. "But I don't want you to go."  
  
"It won't be forever, Connor. I just need to spend time with my parents. Alone," Cordy emphasized that last word. She kept her eyes firmly on her luggage so not to have to see the pain in his face.  
  
"Did I do something wrong? Is that why you're leaving me?" He couldn't help the pathetic tenor in his voice. He never considered Cordy could leave. Lovers didn't do that. Wasn't it supposed to be for life?  
  
Cordy froze. She turned and sat on the bed with him. "Oh, Connor. This has nothing to do with you or anything you did." She gently pressed her lips to his, feeling him tremble. "I don't want you thinking that. I don't want you hurting. I might not want to but I have to admit Angel has a point. I have no business getting involved with anyone until I get myself back."  
  
His eyes narrowed. Why did it always come down to Angel? "But."  
  
She laid a finger on his lips. "I'm also not regretting anything we did. I'm sorry you got hurt so badly, but I don't regret anything else. Do you understand what I'm saying?"  
  
Connor ducked his head. "I guess."  
  
Cordy hesitated at his huffiness. She thought this would be easier. She had expected Connor to understand she just needed a little time. She wanted Angel to have been wrong about this. "I know this has to feel bad. It feels terrible to me. I'm sorry. But I just need to have a little time to get back that part of me that's been lost and it's something I need to do on my own."  
  
"I understand." Connor shifted on the bed. "That's kinda what I'm doing here. I don't have a place in this world."  
  
Cordy kissed him again, running her fingers along his shaven crown. "You have a place, Connor and you'll find it someday. I don't want you to doubt I'm coming back for you."  
  
He smiled timidly. "I don't. It's okay. I'm used to being alone."  
  
She feathered a kiss on his cheek. "Connor, hon, I'm not leaving you here alone."  
  
"I don't want to go to the hotel," he snapped.  
  
Cordy felt the tension hit his frame harder than a linebacker taking out a quarterback. "I didn't think you would. Someday you will but it's not time."  
  
"How can you think it ever will be time?" He pulled away from her, cradling his injured arm. He flopped back on the bed, facing away from her, curling up on his side.  
  
"Because it's where Angel is," she said, rubbing the small of his back. "And despite everything he's your father and I don't doubt for a moment he loves you completely."  
  
Connor wrinkled his nose, falling deeper into his sulk. "No hotel."  
  
"Well, you're not going to be alone. You need someone to help you until your arm's better. I took the liberty of inviting him here." Cordy trailed fingers over his flesh that was exposed just about his belt line. Deep purple mottled his pale skin. She dreaded to see what else might be hidden under his drab clothing.  
  
"Him who?" Connor looked over his shoulder at her, hostility clouding his blue eyes.  
  
"And old friend, judging by all the photos of us. I saw him at the hospital with a woman, Lilah somebody or other. She was arranging to pay your medical bills since you don't have insurance. I thought that was incredibly sweet of her. She said she was big on doing favors. Anyhow, I want you to stay with him until you heal. Please, say you will. I won't be able to do what I need to if I'm worried about you." Cordy leaned over him, trying to look him in the eyes, her body resting against his lightly.  
  
He stubbornly turned his face away. "Okay."  
  
"Thank you." She swung off the bed. "Why don't you rest while we wait and I'll finish packing?"  
  
"Not tired."  
  
"You never are."  
  
"Don't want to sleep," he persisted.  
  
She threw up her hands. "Fine. Don't go Richter on me."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Cordy knew that bemused look. Connor's English could get occasionally out of synch with today's usage. "Don't get mad. Just lie back and pretend to be tired."  
  
He made a face but stretched out obediently. He didn't seem any less alert, however. "Where are you going? Is it far?"  
  
Cordy shook her head. "Just a few hours away. It's called Sunnydale. I wish I could remember what it's like but it sounds nice, doesn't it?"  
  
He shrugged one shoulderedly, watching her work.  
  
"Sounds peaceful, and small and a little country-slow. Wish I knew if I liked slow." Cordy zipped up the luggage.  
  
"I like less people."  
  
"I guess you're not used to so many of them," Cordy said and he shook his head, wincing afterwards. "Easy on that poor head of yours, Connor. I wonder if a brain turns purple if it's bruised."  
  
A knock cut off his reply. Cordy answered the door, letting Wesley in. Connor stiffened, drawing up into a sitting position.  
  
"Thanks for coming, Wesley."  
  
"Not a problem, Cordelia. I hope you find what you're looking for," the lanky Brit said, his eyes firmly on Connor. "Hello, Connor."  
  
"I know you," Connor grumbled. "You're the one who brought him back." He unleashed big blue pleading eyes on her. "I don't want to go with him, Cordelia."  
  
"Connor, you promised," she said, her voice like velvet over steel.  
  
"I didn't know you meant him." Connor pouted ill-humoredly.  
  
"You can't stay alone, hon, and Wesley will take good care of you."  
  
"Believe me, Connor, no one will bother you at my flat. Your father and his friends won't come there. They want nothing to do with me," Wesley said, dark humor and sadness mixing in his blue eyes.  
  
Connor shot him a mistrustful look. "Then why did you save Angel?"  
  
Wesley snorted, his fingers scratching at his stubbly beard. "I did it for me, not for him."  
  
"Connor, please, for me." Cordy implored. "I've already got your bag packed. It won't be for very long."  
  
"For you," he conceded, getting up.  
  
"Are you ready, Cordelia? I'll take you to the bus station," Wesley said.  
  
"Why don't you boys run the bags to the car." She waved a hand at the two small bags. "I want to use the bathroom before I go because I'm thinking the one in the bus station is just going to be gross."  
  
"Of course." Wesley took one of the bags, leaving the smaller one for Connor.  
  
"My father really doesn't like you?" Connor asked, as he followed Wesley outside.  
  
"He tried to kill me." Wesley winced at the memory. "So you can just imagine what he'll think of you staying with me."  
  
At that thought a large maniacal smile slid across Connor's pale face. He needed no more encouragement. He could learn patience where Cordy was concerned. He believed her when she said she'd come back to him and something told him that Wesley knew things he should learn. His smile broadened at the thought. "This could be fun." 


End file.
